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Church Bulletin Bloopers:

"For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."

"Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."

"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH

The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL

The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA

The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

A Movie Bet

Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie before ... but I didn’t think he’d do it again!"

The Plop

There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was at. So he stayed behind. Well after awhile, it got kind of cold. Finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.

So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a "plop" on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this "plop" on him. After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird. He starts to get warm under that "plop." He begins to think to himself, "It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!" Then right there underneath that "plop" he starts to sing little bird songs> He’s now happy once again.

About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this "plop." He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.

There are three morals to the story:

1. Not everyone who drops a "plop" on you is necessarily your enemy
2. Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend
3. And if someone does drop a "plop" on you, keep your mouth shut.

The Pirate and Bird Droppings

A pirate had a wooden leg, a hook on one arm, and a patch over one eye. Someone asked him how these things happened. He said that a whale bit off his leg, a crocodile had chewed off his hand, and a bird dropping hit him in the eye. The other guy replied that he understood about the wooden leg having had his original bite off by a whale, and the hook was there to replace the hand the crocodile had chewed off, but a patch over the eye because of a bird dropping ... that he didn’t understand. The pirate said that when the bird dropping hit him in the eye, that was the first day he had had his hook.

Dumb Questions from Lawyers

The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:

• "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
  
  

•  "Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"
  
  

• Q: "What happened then?"
  A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  Q: "And did he kill you?"
  
  

• "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
  
  

• "The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
  
  

• "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  
  

• "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
  
  

• Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
  A: "That’s me."
  Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"
  
  

• "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
  
  

• Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
  A: "By death."
  Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
  
  

• Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
  A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
  Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "What were you doing at that time?
  
  

• "So you were gone until you returned?"
  
  

• Q: "She had three children right?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "How many were boys?"
  A: "None."
  Q: "Were there any girls?"
  
  

• "Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"
  
  

• "You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
  
  

• Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
  
  

• Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
  A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
  Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

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