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Hazardous Materials Information Sheet
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
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Surface usually covered in painted film
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Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
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Melts if given special treatment
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Bitter if incorrectly used
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Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
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Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
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Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
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Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
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May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
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Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol
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Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
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Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
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Can be a great aid to relaxation
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Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
 How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
YES / SURE
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter
molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately laugh out loud.
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child
aged 3 through 12.
Chapter 11
There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers.
The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"
The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."
The guy asked, "Where should I start?"
The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"
The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"
The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."
Bottle on the Beach
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF!
A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and
POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
Canonical List of PCisms
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vertically challenged -- short
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horizontally gifted -- fat
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horizontally challenged -- thin
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chronologically gifted -- old
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morally (ethically) challenged -- a crook
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morally handicapped -- someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone
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folically independent -- bald
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musically delayed -- tone deaf
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codependent -- finger-pointer
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in denial -- unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
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constructivist feminist psychotherapy -- psychobabble
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economically disadvantaged -- welfare bum
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target equity group -- vocal minority
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sanitation engineer -- garbage man
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ontologically challenged -- fictional or mythological The absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional
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people of height -- too tall
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gravitationally challenged -- fat
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chronologically gifted -- old
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other aged -- too old/young (dual purpose)
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Nitpicklike -- humor challenged
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motivationally challenged -- lazy
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outdoor urban dwellers -- homeless
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nasally gifted -- runny nose
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maintenance hole -- man-hole
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socially challenged -- geek, nerd, whatever...
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Microslothicly Challenged -- Windows user
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aquatically challenged -- drowning
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nasally disadvantaged -- really BIG nose
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nasally gifted -- large nose
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grammatically challenged -- one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling
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differently organized -- messy
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energy-efficient -- off
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creatively re-dyed -- stained
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petroleum transfer technician -- gas station attendant
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amphibian American -- frog
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persons of large stature -- NY Giants
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bovine control officers -- Dallas Cowboys
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residentially flexible -- homeless
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uniquely coordinated -- clumsy
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mechanically challenged -- broken down automobile
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