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The Rules

  • The female always makes The Rules.
     

  • The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
     

  • No male can possibly know all The Rules.
     

  • If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
     

  • The female is never wrong.
     

  • If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
     

  • If the above rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
     

  • The female may change her mind at any time.
     

  • The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
     

  • The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
     

  • The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
     

  • The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
     

  • The male is expected to mind read at all times.
     

  • The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
     

  • Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
     

  • If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
     

  • The female is ready when she is ready.
     

  • The male must be ready at all times.

 30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.

In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

 McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
   
Editor's note: I would have hired him too!!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise

Secret To a Truly Contented Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man.  We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

Brain Teasers

See answer at bottom of page and no peeking!

NUMBER ONE

A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid; the other was the butler.

The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there.

The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book.

After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know?


NUMBER TWO

I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?


NUMBER THREE

I have seven letters. The first two stand for a boy. The first three stand for a girl. The first four stand for a brave boy. But all of my letters stand for a brave girl. What word am I?


NUMBER FOUR

A beggar's brother died, but the man who died had no brother. How could this be?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And here are the answers...

NUMBER ONE: The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.

NUMBER TWO: A Dentist

NUMBER THREE: Heroine

NUMBER FOUR: The beggar was a woman.

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