Clean Jokes

Welcome to our Jokes section. Here you will find a collection of clean jokes that are in no particular order. Some are related to Christian issues while others are not but all are sure to make you laugh. They are listed below in "toggled" format. Simply click the titles/arrows to reveal the joke.

Better Write That Down

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Church Bulletin Bloopers

"For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."

"Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."

"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH

The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL

The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA

The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

A Movie Bet

Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie before ... but I didn’t think he’d do it again!"

The Plop

There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was at. So he stayed behind. Well after awhile, it got kind of cold. Finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.

So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a "plop" on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this "plop" on him. After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird. He starts to get warm under that "plop." He begins to think to himself, "It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!" Then right there underneath that "plop" he starts to sing little bird songs> He’s now happy once again.

About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this "plop." He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.

There are three morals to the story:

1. Not everyone who drops a "plop" on you is necessarily your enemy
2. Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend
3. And if someone does drop a "plop" on you, keep your mouth shut.

The Pirate and Bird Droppings

A pirate had a wooden leg, a hook on one arm, and a patch over one eye. Someone asked him how these things happened. He said that a whale bit off his leg, a crocodile had chewed off his hand, and a bird dropping hit him in the eye. The other guy replied that he understood about the wooden leg having had his original bite off by a whale, and the hook was there to replace the hand the crocodile had chewed off, but a patch over the eye because of a bird dropping ... that he didn’t understand. The pirate said that when the bird dropping hit him in the eye, that was the first day he had had his hook.

Dumb Questions from Lawyers

The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:

  • "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

  •  "Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"

  • Q: "What happened then?"
    A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
    Q: "And did he kill you?"

  • "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

  • "The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"

  • "Were you alone or by yourself?"

  • "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

  • Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
    A: "That’s me."
    Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"

  • "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

  • Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

  • Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
    A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
    Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "What were you doing at that time?

  • "So you were gone until you returned?"

  • Q: "She had three children right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

  • "Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"

  • "You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

  • Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

  • Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
    A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

You Might Be Charismatic If ...

  • You think the fire safety slogan "Stop, Drop, & Roll" is the title of a new book on Holy Spirit etiquette.
  • You stay home from church because you’re afraid some prophet will read your mail in public.
  • Your closet is divided into two sections - clothes that are appropriate for falling and those that are not.
  • You try to pray down fire from heaven on the dry cleaning outfit that ruined your suit.
  • When you break a fingernail, you blame it on spiritual warfare.
  • You think that the movie FREE WILLY is an instructional video on deliverance by the Happy Hunters.
  • You develop a slight hand tremor, and 40 people ask for your prayers during ministry time.
  • You lie on the floor to nap through boring sermons and are perceived as super-spiritual when you get up.
  • Your bumper sticker reads, "Tithe if you love Jesus - so I won’t have to."
  • You speak King James English when disciplining your kids ... "Be-hold, thou hast sham-ed thyself , and sham-ed thy Gawd! To thy room!"
  • You praise God daily that your no longer a _______________ (fill in the name of the denomination you came out of).

The Four Wisemen

Most Bible scholars believe there were three wisemen that visited the baby Jesus the night He was born, but there were actually four. We know about the three, one who brought gold, the other who brought frankincense, and the other who brought myrrh. These gifts brought by the first three wisemen were of great help to Joseph and Mary financially. God used the three wisemen to provide for the family of Jesus. This enabled them to be able to move to Egypt when Herod issued a decree to kill all male children two years old and under. Most families didn’t just up and move to a different country in those days because of the cost.

There was a fourth wiseman that came night also bearing a gift to give to the new born baby, Jesus. We don’t hear about him in scripture though because he was turned away along with his gift. What did he bring you might ask? A fruitcake!

Odd Newspaper Headlines From Around the World

  • Include your children when baking cookies

  • Something went wrong in jet crash

  • Experts says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

  • Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted

  • Drunk gets nine months in violin case

  • Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

  • Miners refuse to work after death

  • Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant

  • Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

  • Red tape holds up new bridge

  • Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

  • Kids make nutritious snacks

  • Man minus ear waives hearing

A Woman, a Beach, a Bottle and a Genie

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

"You have released me from my prison," the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request."

"Why?" the woman asked. "That bum left me for another woman."

"That is how it is written," replied the genie.

The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.

"And your second wish?"

"Genie, I want the world's most expensive diamond necklace." Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

"Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?"

The genie said it was indeed true.

"Okay, genie, I'm ready for my last wish," the woman said. "Scare me half to death."

Lost & Found

Says one humorist: "Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."

Life Sentence

A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty on 33 counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior he would be over one hundred when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears.

Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, "I didn't mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I've imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don't have to serve the whole time." The prisoner beamed with new found hope until the judge leaned toward him and said, "Just do a much as you can."

They’re Not All Mine!

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

The Fatted Calf

Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air. "I know!" she said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."

Gordon

In the days when the sun never set on the British empire, the Foreign Office posted Miles Cavendish in Khartoum, Libya. The colonial government had decorated the central square of the city with a dramatic equestrian statue of General Charles George Gordon. Gordon had died heroically in 1885 when Khartoum fell to the troops of the Mahdi after a ten-month siege. Converted into stone, Gordon now forever would survey the city from the back of his spirited horse.

Cavendish had one son. The boy was named Charles--after General Gordon, of course. Cavendish was a dedicated British civil servant. His heart swelled with the spirit of imperial obligation and pride. He made it his business to impress his son with the importance of the statue. "That is Gordon," he said to his son, and bowed his own head in a moment of reverent silence. The boy loved the statue and virtually every day he would run to the square to take a look at Gordon. When the Foreign Office informed the elder Cavendish that he was being transferred from Khartoum to Lahore, the boy's last deed before leaving was to proceed to the square to say a solemn farewell to Gordon. As Miles watched, his eyes welled up with tears. He said to himself, "Indeed, here beats the heart of a true Englishman. The lad is well named indeed!"

On board the steamer to Lahore, the boy turned to his father thoughtfully and said, "Father, I have a question I have always wanted to ask."

"Yes, my son?"

"It concerns Gordon. There's one thing I don't understand."

"What is that, my son?"

"Tell me. Who is that silly looking man who sits on Gordon?

Different Viewpoints

Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon -- an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation. The artist said, "Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!" The minister cried, "What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!" The cowboy mused, "What a terrible place to lose a cow!"

Let Me Help You With That

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell. "Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Vengence is Mine - Thus Sayeth the Little Guy

Three burly fellows on huge motorcycles pulled up to a highway cafe where a truck driver, just a little guy, was perched on a stool quietly eating his lunch. As the three fellows came in, they spotted him, grabbed his food away from him and laughed in his face. The truck driver said nothing. He got up, paid for his food and walked out. One of the three cyclists, unhappy that they hadn't succeeded in provoking the little [guy] into a fight commented to the waitress: "Boy, he sure wasn't much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Well, I guess not." Then, looking out the window, she added, "I guess he's not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles."

The Minister’s Widow

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Funny Statements From Insurance Claims

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

  • As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

  • I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

  • I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

  • Surface usually covered in painted film

  • Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason

  • Melts if given special treatment

  • Bitter if incorrectly used

  • Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

  • Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

  • Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones

  • Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

  • May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason

  • Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol

  • Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:

  • Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

  • Can be a great aid to relaxation

  • Very effective cleaning agent

TESTS:

  • Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state

  • Turns green when placed beside a betta specimen

HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

YES / SURE

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately laugh out loud.

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Chapter 11

There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.

Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"

The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."

The guy asked, "Where should I start?"

The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."

Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.

The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"

The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"

The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."

Bottle on the Beach

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF!

A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and

POOF!

One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

Canonical List of PCisms

  • vertically challenged -- short

  • horizontally gifted -- fat

  • horizontally challenged -- thin

  • chronologically gifted -- old

  • morally (ethically) challenged -- a crook

  • morally handicapped -- someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone

  • folically independent -- bald

  • musically delayed -- tone deaf

  • codependent -- finger-pointer

  • in denial -- unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened

  • constructivist feminist psychotherapy -- psychobabble

  • economically disadvantaged -- welfare bum

  • target equity group -- vocal minority

  • sanitation engineer -- garbage man

  • ontologically challenged -- fictional or mythological The absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional

  • people of height -- too tall

  • gravitationally challenged -- fat

  • chronologically gifted -- old

  • other aged -- too old/young (dual purpose)

  • Nitpicklike -- humor challenged

  • motivationally challenged -- lazy

  • outdoor urban dwellers -- homeless

  • nasally gifted -- runny nose

  • maintenance hole -- man-hole

  • socially challenged -- geek, nerd, whatever...

  • Microslothicly Challenged -- Windows user

  • aquatically challenged -- drowning

  • nasally disadvantaged -- really BIG nose

  • nasally gifted -- large nose

  • grammatically challenged -- one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling

  • differently organized -- messy

  • energy-efficient -- off

  • creatively re-dyed -- stained

  • petroleum transfer technician -- gas station attendant

  • amphibian American -- frog

  • persons of large stature -- NY Giants

  • bovine control officers -- Dallas Cowboys

  • residentially flexible -- homeless

  • uniquely coordinated -- clumsy

  • mechanically challenged -- broken down automobile

The Rules

  • The female always makes The Rules.
     

  • The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
     

  • No male can possibly know all The Rules.
     

  • If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
     

  • The female is never wrong.
     

  • If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
     

  • If the above rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
     

  • The female may change her mind at any time.
     

  • The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
     

  • The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
     

  • The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
     

  • The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
     

  • The male is expected to mind read at all times.
     

  • The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
     

  • Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
     

  • If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
     

  • The female is ready when she is ready.
     

  • The male must be ready at all times.

30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.

In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
   
Editor's note: I would have hired him too!!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise

Secret To a Truly Contented Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man.  We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

Brain Teasers

See answer at bottom of page and no peeking!

NUMBER ONE

A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid; the other was the butler.

The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there.

The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book.

After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know?


NUMBER TWO

I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?


NUMBER THREE

I have seven letters. The first two stand for a boy. The first three stand for a girl. The first four stand for a brave boy. But all of my letters stand for a brave girl. What word am I?


NUMBER FOUR

A beggar's brother died, but the man who died had no brother. How could this be?

 


 

And here are the answers...

NUMBER ONE: The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.

NUMBER TWO: A Dentist

NUMBER THREE: Heroine

NUMBER FOUR: The beggar was a woman.